college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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