i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
