I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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