Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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