I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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