Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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