The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
