you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
