I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
