The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
