I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
