nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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