you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
