well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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