Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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