Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
