Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
