Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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