it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
