If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
