I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
