my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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