I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
