Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
