Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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