you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
