She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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