So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
