there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
