Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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