I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
