I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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