Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
