If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
