I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
