my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
