70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
