ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
