Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
