My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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