Plan B is the new Plan A
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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