i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize