I accidentally had phone sex last night
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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