Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
