Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
