Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
