No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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