i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Randomize
