I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
