i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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