someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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