remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
