My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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