bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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