the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
