I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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