i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
