i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
