The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need to calm my uterus...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
