every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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