And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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