I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
