I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
